Self Love

(Image Source: Fine Art America)

I chose to wear hot-pink lipstick

I curled my hair a bit

though stayed in my pajamas

romancing Rhett Butler in the novel

I bestowed upon some self- love

Before stepping out

I wanted ‘not to change’ my skin color

With a dab from foundation stick

I painted myself in self -love

My baby, who ran up to me

For 10 times on repeat

She blabbered the same words
Her smile evident of ‘self-love’

When I could get angry, or sad
laugh hard, or just lay flat
I indulged in self love

Chucking off those silly conventions
Fearlessly adorned that badge of 'misfit’
I confided in self love


Not taking his abusive shit ever again
I rose up and walked off
I idealized self-love

They asked,
Why so mean?
Can’t you be selfless?
I answered, “It’s self-love”.

Given a choice to exercise
Would tell them a difference between
Ego and self-love


The more these words echo in my mind
The better it feels, yes!  one of a kind

Self-loving folks, I clap for you
Bow down and relate to you
For to love another, first

Smile at the image in the mirror

Amid Lockdown

                                

While talking in my head

An argument persists

Many a plans are dead

Still the talks I can’t resist!

‘Family’ the newly found folks

Chatting, sleeping & cooking galore

Realised we all stayed in the same block

Watching news all day, nothing more

Neighbours, I hear them in & out

Every time their cooker whistles

While I snack on my sprout

What’s cooking? I can’t find out

I like stories on ‘Instagram’ more

Amid lockdown, liking all posts

Dusted the bookshelf and did chores

Damn! eggs in the pan just got coarse

Made boring lentils and never ate

Clicked a fancy picture with salad

Applied three filters sitting with my mate

Life is a story itself, or a ballet?

Waiting for godot, yes I am

‘Dear Namo’ come assign another task,

Waiting desperately, yes we are

Here your people, suffocated of masks!

That first trip with my newborn was a journey of self-discovery

Being a mom for the first time is exciting, confusing, and challenging at the same time. It is a journey from ‘I can’t wait to hold my baby in my arms’ to ‘I can’t wait for the baby to sleep’. Motherhood tests you to the optimal and expects you to be enduring it at all times.

 Every new mother reading this out there should be able to feel what I am hinting at. It was just after one month that my daughter was born, that I had almost started feeling exhausted of all the household chores, attending to the demands of the newborn, struggling through the days to catch a nap, being hopeless about the pending laundry and nights where I made futile attempts to make the baby go to sleep. There was a time I even started reasoning why I needed to experience motherhood so much? What was I thinking before making this leap into motherhood? But then I saw my little girl musing on me with her twinkling eyes and those negative thoughts disappeared at a snap giving me ample reasons to choose motherhood.

The routine got repetitive and mundane. Rocking her through days and nights, feeding the little one at her beck and call, thus finding no room for myself. I was sipping down the coffee that was made hot but consumed cold. All that I needed desperately in the middle of this ordinary day was a long sleep and to be waken up by nobody.

The only source of enjoyment was playing with the baby girl during the afternoon hours and the conversation that I had with my handful was the most precious one that I miss when I see her grown up into a toddler now. Always being in a hurry to make her sleep and catch up on a nap or TV made me all troubled. Being a mother to an infant is so much about taking care of the needs of the baby that you forget that you need a break too.

Never thought of traveling so much apart from some weekend visits to family or friends’. May be sometimes at a favorite restaurant to make up for the rest of the tiring week that would keep her father away at work and both of us at home. Some family friends’ initiated a trip to hills, it popped out on me like a challenge and I couldn’t even think to take this one considering that she was just 5 months old.

PACKING!! This very word gripped my mind and heart! It would be like wadding the whole house- it was no more the same as before. Now we were three and not two. The third one was the smallest but her stuff would require time, effort, and space that would be the biggest. Deep down my heart I wanted this vacation, yearned to create memories with my daughter in the serenity of hills, wished to breathe in some fresh air but I was scared to take the next step. My husband motivated me and said it would be okay to put some effort into packing together because the holiday would be worth it. I smiled.

I made the list, maybe the longest of all times in my life. It was going to be my first trip with my princess. I laughed hard at the list of stuff that I had to pack along! I geared up like a soldier, I ate well, played some happy music in the house, and gave loads of toys to my baby. I kept her engaged in all the possible ways I could and went on with the packing. Finally, the big day came and I was still anxious ‘What if I have not packed anything that she might need?” “Check Feeders, Towels, Wipes,…...” I calmed down and let myself roll.

When we reached the destination it felt like one of the most appropriate decisions that I could take. The baby was happy, I was happy and we all were happy. It no longer felt the lack of sleep or that I was exhausted, I was much more animated, spirited and the girl I used to be. I thought it is all in our mind, we sometimes confine ourselves to one routine so much that we never dare to take up anything new. This trip was indeed rejuvenating and I explored myself to be dexterous and adventurous- a happy new mom (not to forget).

Strangers to Soulmates

It started with writing! It initiated as the hero read, thankfully he likes to read. He surfed through her blogs and got promptly fascinated by the writer. Though she had mentioned earlier that she was a blogger but the impression of everybody becoming one these days, made him just mock away this whole idea as it was bogus!  While munching through his snacks on a lazy Sunday afternoon he read one after the other, he was enthralled enough by then. The ensuing step was to quickly message her; that her stories were overpowering. It was as if every word that she wrote on the blog pages, had cast a spell on the walls of his heart. They just had met once before, a formal meet up, fixed by the respective parents. A close and strange affair was being set up in the evening that day. She wasn’t taking it too seriously; she came tired after work, thus just ransacked hurriedly through her wardrobe and simply dressed in a pair of black denims and a striped black and beige top. Her hair left loose and fell on her shoulders, she was conscious of her graceful gait and simplicity she was carrying. Yes, the top had dangled quite tastefully on her. Wearing deep black kohl and a hint of gloss she had arrived at the meeting with Aman. She luckily caught a glimpse of him dressed up in a blue check shirt, walking looking a bit conscious but charming. His blue denims hung on him casually and added appeal. He was really tall, that sight just clenched every inch of her skin and spoke for joy, putting one tick on the checklist she had mentally prepared once.  Her family was warmly welcomed inside by theirs’, as they all sat, a sudden silence broke in, which was embarrassing. Sitting undecided and clueless across the table she tried to look here and there, smiling more than usual, just because she smiles when she is nervous! The boy engaged himself overhearing his father and her father talking with each other now.

After some exchange of greetings and introduction was done, the boy and the girl were asked to go away for a while and talk. Sanvi had all the apprehensions, the butterflies were teasing and tickling her inside out, she was guessing wild about the course of their conversation that was about to take place between absolute strangers, apart from what they know about each other through that matrimonial website that had brought them together, atleast till here today! They sat on the sofa and it started with the writing again! He asked about her likings, and she mentioned about blogging. His business administration degree also had set some great expectations before the meeting, but after they talked she was wafted away by the aesthetic sagacity his dialogues reflected. He started appearing to be a gentleman now, a journey he had measured just in minutes of beginning their tête-à-tête. His talks weren’t sugar-coated, that’s what she appreciated. Returning home she was hopeful of a yes, though her mind had some arguments as against the anxieties of her heart. She wondered if he was as genteel as he had seemed; else why would he ask for the girl’s phone number on the first meeting? But, she was secretly delighted at this and cherished foreseeing the sequence to follow only if her phone rings.

The messenger on the phone beeped once and then tooted till the finger tips hurt. May be the buds were up-and-coming and the love blazing. She was bowled over his wit, his approach and curiosity to know more about her, she was giving in, while he was amazed by her impulse and honesty. Neither of them was trying to know anything that was superfluous, it was a long drawn plain-speaking banter between two adults, who must be anticipating to turn into soul-mates, from strangers. The honest confessions, the prospects, the viewpoints, leisure likes and dislikes, places have seen/bucket list, all that was required was being conferred. They clicked!

A family picture all dressed in bright reds, pinks, oranges, blue, greens under the chandeliers of the nuptial hall hanging proudly on the ceiling, was further clicked in the month of December, following a six month courtship period. They had successfully shown their souls bare to each other while the thought of being in each other’s arms forever, must have kept them delighted through this period, a love that was arranged to be culminated into marriage that was destined to be on this day.

PS: Some writings can paint the right picture for life, while some strangers turn into soul mates. Yes, their story was made in heaven and they continue to live happily ever after…

Why not?

“Dr. Seth will call you Ms. Anjali as the reports come out” said a delicate voice with usual consideration of the matter. Anjali moves towards the exit gate, however determined and carefree. Stepping inside her car she was certain that she would not be troubled by what the reports will be like. She needed solace, which medicines wouldn’t provide.  The car was directed towards the shopping mall and the evening was spent with self, followed by a tumbler of cold coffee. As the sound of the tyres screeched as it was parked at the garage, it was an indication that Anjali had again arrived home with a bad day at the hospital and must be distraught. Mother stood alarmed and the trembling fingers opened the latch of the main gate with anticipation and the countenance encountered across was rather lit up and lively for a change. As she pounced upon the stuffy bean bag she possessed a different spirit that evening. She gulped down a glass of fresh lime and talked on for the following hour about the footwear and kurtis she splurged on that evening. Mom had no other thought but was glued to her daughter’s eventful monologue. She offered her another glass of the drink which she heartily welcomed.

That night was starry and the sky was chockfull in an altered hue. Anjali decided to open an unfinished book of Sheldon. She had resolved to get lost in its depth and sought to come out of the long lost pondering over her own un-culminated story of life. This night she wanted to read and re-read the cluster of words under the dim light and had a longing to be melted in the emotional strings in the novel and wished to never be back to the bitter part that her own destiny had exposed her to. She tasted joy after many days and had plans to baton on it. Flipping on the fourth page of the novel, an unwanted thought started to fence her, she had crossed-brows for a while as she thought about the medical reports but shunned the idea of being taken away by it and favored a fictional zone she had set for herself and camped in.

Next morning the corn flakes were being poured in the blue milk bowl for her, she paused by the table and clicked at her mother’s hands she demanded aloo paranthas instead. This was enough to hint at the U-turn she was taking to her previous ways of living life. Papa winked at mom and passed a satisfying smile. The sizzling paranthas were served flouting the monotony of the past eight months. Eating the belly-full she laid back on the couch to spend another afternoon dating the romance in Sheldon. Like a phoenix she rose upwards as her curious journey of skipping the pages endured on. “Here are some photographs you should have a look at” said papa while strolling through the drawing room on the lazy Sunday afternoon. No reply was made. She continued reading, as she pretended to have been lost in the core of Sheldon’s love story while her mind was back to the pain given by the things which fell apart, and vanished a year ago. The nerves of her mind were contracting and the head ached. The tears trailed down helplessly, but the book held tight in her hands was the only escape. Krish had gone in the last winters, leaving her amidst the mist of January; she was subjected to solitude, expected or may be forced to withstand the chill of silence and face the foggy life. Her conscience asked her to stop lamenting over the loss so unbearable. Having spent the last year in vertical depression she was conscious enough to not go back to that phase again. It was only with difficulty that she had decided to not pay attention to what the medical reports had to say.

The conscience told her to fly and look high above the stars than treating herself with a cruel number of tablets throwing herself in sedation for hours. The tickets were booked and the plans were made. She, mom and papa were flying for a holiday. “But these photographs Anjali? I need to answer them by this week, please choose one to fix up a meeting this evening” Papa pleaded this time. She held his hand and promised a wonderful life they both could give her during the vacation she had planned for three of them. Why not?  “I need a break, from the languor of this life, I need to breathe before I could think anything” as Anjali copped a plea out of the situation while stroking Papa’s shoulders convincingly. He embraced her sentiments while the white envelope containing the photographs breathed in silence, unattended.